Live Your Best Sex Life Through Menopause & Beyond

One of the menopause myths we’re most tired of hearing is that once you hit 50, your sex life is over. And one of the things we’re least tired of doing is bringing on experts to help us understand ourselves better.

Alloy’s community manager Rachel Hughes recently did a webinar with Dr. Laurie Mintz, an author, therapist, professor, and speaker, whose life’s work is helping people live more authentic, meaningful, joyful, and sexually satisfying lives. She’s the author of the books Becoming Cliterate and A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex, and has published over 50 research articles in academic journals as well as six chapters in academic books. Learn more about Dr. Mintz on her website, and head over to our YouTube to watch the whole webinar! (We highly recommend watching this one–Dr. Mintz has a vulva puppet that’s definitely worth seeing!)

We’re sharing some highlights here, which have been edited for brevity and clarity.

Rachel Hughes: 

Welcome Dr. Laurie Mintz. Thank you for being here. Why do you think there is so little  conversation around female pleasure? And that goes with this question from our audience which is, “How do we get more women to understand the importance of conversations about sex like this one?”

Dr. Laurie Mintz:

I'm so grateful for conversations like these. And I think that is a great question. I think it's that our pleasure has been so ignored or minimized or even vilified. Think about the language we use: We use the words sex and intercourse as if they were one and the same, we use foreplay to mean just the leadup to the main event. And that’s deeply ingrained sexism. Because foreplay is the act when most women orgasm, and intercourse is the act when most men do. We also call our entire genitals a vagina, which is the part that’s most sexually useful to men, not women. We’re linguistically erasing our own pleasure. So how do we change this? If I had the answer, I’d be screaming it from the rooftops. But I think it’s conversations like this, talking to your friends, attending sex-positive events, attending webinars, reading books, starting a discussion group with friends. We need to get past the shame because there is nothing shameful about sexual pleasure. The World Health Organization says it's a fundamental human right, in fact.

Thank you for being here. Let’s get right to our questions. 

Rachel Hughes: Thank you so much for that. Another audience member says, “I don’t like the way my vulva looks.” She said her vagina, but I know what she meant. And this is a big thing for people. Another question from someone is about not liking the way she looks at all. Her entire physicality, she felt, has changed, and it’s unsatisfying for her and she’s concerned about it being potentially unsatisfying to her partner.  

Dr. Laurie Mintz:

Well, first of all, I’m really sorry for your pain. Feeling like you don’t like how your vulva looks or your body looks or your face, that’s painful. 

I think one of the reasons we’re seeing an upsurge in people saying “I don’t like the way this looks” is that we’re not exposed to how real vulvas look. They’re all different, and they’re all unique, but that’s not what we see in porn. In porn, men are chosen for having larger than average penises, women are chosen for having petite lips, but the truth of the matter is they’re all unique, and they’re all beautiful. 

Body image is hard. There are therapists who specialize in that. One thing I would recommend is yoga. I know that might sound a little strange, but yoga teaches us body awareness and mindfulness, and a lot of times learning to be in your body and be mindful and present can help shift focus away from how it looks.

Rachel Hughes:

Awesome. Thank you so much. Can you expand a bit on clitoral versus vaginal orgasm?  

Dr. Laurie Mintz:

So this different type of orgasm thing started a long time ago. It started with Freud. Freud said that when we mature, we will transfer our sexual sensation from our clitoris to our vagina. We don’t transfer anything as we age. That's like saying that as you age you’ll start smelling out of your nose instead of your ears. And he said, women who didn't do that were immature. The clitoris is women's main organ for pleasure. So we have this dichotomy. We say, oh, vaginal orgasms, clitoral orgasms. And basically there's still debate in the scientific community if they are different types of orgasms, and I can get into that if you want, but what I dislike a lot is that we've set up this dichotomy and say one is the ideal. However you orgasm is completely fine. It doesn’t matter where the stimulation is.

Rachel Hughes:

Interesting. Thank you for that. I feel compelled as I'm listening to you to talk about vaginal estrogen. If you are having painful sex or the tissue in your vulva or vagina is irritated or you’re having bladder issues, please head over to our website. Please take care of that tissue of your vulva, your vagina. It matters for so many reasons, but it certainly matters to your having a physically satisfying sex life. Would you agree?

Dr. Laurie Mintz:

Oh, I could not agree more. As my gynecologist said, we outlive our uterus, which means we live beyond when we’re getting the estrogen we need for supple tissue, skin health, bone health, and bladder health. 

Rachel Hughes:

Thank you. Let’s talk about lube.

Dr. Laurie Mintz:

There's a myth that if we're aroused, we'll be wet. Or that if we're wet, that means we feel aroused. That's not true. We have something called arousal non-concordance between our brain and our genitals sometimes. So just because you're wet doesn't mean you're aroused. Just because you're aroused, it doesn't mean you're wet. And even with all the hormone replacement, a lot of times women still don’t produce enough natural lubricant, especially after menopause. Store-bought lube is really, really good because you can put it on the outside of the vulva, put it a little bit on the penis, or you can take a little medicine syringe and put a little on the inside before penetrative activities. 

Rachel Hughes:

Okay, thank you for that. I think we have a couple of questions about vaginal estrogen being a risk to your partner. The answer is no. But I also know that you don't necessarily want to use vaginal estrogen the same night that you are having penetrative sex.

Dr. Laurie Mintz:

That's exactly right. And that gets into a whole thing that I really recommend for women who feel they have low desire, especially, which like 90% of us do, which is to schedule sex. It sounds unromantic, but it can actually be really great. You can prepare your mind, and it takes away the tension. And then you can plan for that to not be the night you’re going to use vaginal estrogen. 

Rachel Hughes:

We've talked about vibrator usage, which you think is a great idea.

Dr. Laurie Mintz:

Yeah. The science is so clear. Women who use vibrators have easier and more frequent orgasms. A man's acceptance of his partner's vibrator use is related to her satisfaction. And if you want me to, I can dispel vibrator myths. 

Rachel Hughes: 

Have at it!

Dr. Laurie Mintz:

They're not addictive. I mean, carpenters don't get addicted to power tools. They just get the job done faster. Vibrators don't replace partners. They don’t say “I love you.” They don’t laugh. They don’t get on your nerves either…but they don’t replace partners. It's just a tool to enhance the experience. 

They also do not desensitize your clit. When people worry about that, they’re wondering if they’ll always need them. My answer is, so what if you do?

Rachel Hughes:

Thank you. Here’s another question from the chat. Can you give suggestions for how to speak with your partner about improving your sex life? I find even with a caring partner, this is a very hard thing to bring up.

Dr. Laurie Mintz:

Yeah, it is. Because we're not used to talking about sex. But, generally people who have the conversation say they’re glad they did. The research is also really clear that couples who talk about sex have better sex. And a good way to start is to use meta-communication, which is communicating about communicating. So here's a kind of script: “I want to talk to you about something that’s scary for me. It’s really hard for me to bring this up but I’m doing it because I want us to be the best we can be.” 

This kind of thing is really good because it calms the other person down, calms you down, and gets them to listen. And you can say something like, “I went to this webinar and they were talking about scientifically supported ways to enhance sexual pleasure. I learned that women who use vibrators have better, easier orgasms. And, in fact, that men like them too. So I got really interested in that. And so I’d like to bring my vibrator to our encounters.”

That’s meta-communication, followed by an “I” statement. And that’s just an example.

Rachel Hughes:

Next question: Is it true that if you haven't had an orgasm by the time you reach perimenopause or menopause, you never will?

Dr. Laurie Mintz:

I've never heard that. So no, I'm going to say it's not true. It's never too late to learn.

Rachel Hughes:

Absolutely.

Dr. Laurie Mintz:

It’s never too late. In fact, a lot of times women say their sex life increases once they’re in perimenopause and menopause, once they're comfortable with their body, et cetera. So, no, it's definitely not too late. And in fact, I'm feeling excited for you to experience this at this stage of your life.

Rachel Hughes:

Great. Last question. Someone asks, “How can I comfortably educate my husband about my clitoris? What should I tell him or show him? It's uncomfortable for us. A little embarrassing. We feel like school children, but he really wants to get it right.”

Dr. Laurie Mintz:

Well, it’s lovely that he wants to get it right. And of course you're embarrassed, right? Because our culture set you up to be embarrassed. It's not your fault that you're embarrassed. 

I would have one of those out of the bedroom conversations like, “I want to talk about something. I'm scared and embarrassed. It's hard, but I love you. I want our sex life to be the best it can. And I went to this webinar and they were talking all about clitoral stimulation, how most women need it to have an orgasm. I want us to learn more about this.” 

And there's three resources that I would recommend. One is called OMG yes.com. It was a study, a project between Kinsey Institute and some folks, and they have season one and it is all about clitoral stimulation. And I have couples watch the videos together. They show techniques. It's really quite amazing. And also there's research that couples who watch that have more orgasms. The other is Ian Kerner’s book, She Comes First, and it’s a how to oral sex manual, but it really does talk a lot about the clitoris. And then at the risk of sounding self-promotional, my book, Becoming Cliterate has a chapter at the end written just for male partners about clitoral stimulation, and you can read that together. 

Rachel Hughes:

Thank you for that. Dr. Mintz. Finally, what would you want those of us in perimenopause and menopause across the country to know more than anything? 

Dr. Laurie Mintz:

What I want you to know is that there is a very high correlation between sexual satisfaction and life satisfaction and between sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction. This is not a frivolous conversation. And when sex is going well, we often don't think about it. But when it's not going well, it causes a lot of angst and pain. And what I want you to know is that there is help out there. And the sooner you seek them, the better. It is your right to enjoy your sex life, and sex does not need to end during menopause.

Rachel Hughes:

Thank you so much.

Dr. Laurie Mintz:

Thank you for having me.

For more from Dr. Laurie Mintz, watch the whole webinar on our YouTube! To learn about upcoming webinars, follow us on Instagram at @myalloy.